Something about fear

Intro

This week, I get a little a more personal as we enter some of my fears, asset and obstacles I had/have to overcome. 

       Fears

   I could sit here and tell you a million quotes about conquering our fears, but what good is that going to do. Yeah! For a minute, we get inspired and try to fight that feeling and tell yourself that our fears are not real but that’s we go wrong. Our fears are very much real and that's what we fail to realize. What we feel is real but at the same time it is an illusion, it is a story that we tell our self, it's an excuse. Sometimes it hard to distinguish reality from an illusion that our mind created. You see, growing up I was afraid of what every other kid were afraid of, spiders, snakes, the monsters under my bed, clowns, and many more. But one fear that never left me throughout my life is the fear of losing the people I love most. I know what you're thinking, Downey you do know everyone dies, and the answer is yes I do, but that is something I could never get over.  Right now there are two people in my life that I am terrified to lose; my dad and grandmother. My fear doesn't come from them actually dying but from the last thing I say to them.

      I fear that if my father dies right now I would not be able to attend his funeral nor would I be able to say a proper goodbye. Miles away from him, in another country where am I going to get the money or the time to go all the way to Haiti to bury him? I've spent so much time being angry at him to finally forgive him and now slowly losing him. And God forbid if my grandmother dies right now, I feel like my whole family will fall apart. She's the only glue that keeps all of us together, and rather than us coming together as a family, we'll go our separate ways. You see, my fears are no longer spiders, snakes, the monsters under my bed, heights, but they are the fear of losing the people closest to my heart. This is no longer an illusion or story that I'm telling myself, this is my reality. This is me trying to accept that death is always going to be here, alway going to be my biggest fear. It's not the thought dying, but the thought of losing them. That’s what scared me every time the phone rings.

To me, a life without obstacles is a life that's not worth living. I believe that we are all created for a special purpose and the obstacles in our life are the things that give us power, strength, and make us who we are. We can complain about the problems that we have, but let's be honest what the point of living without a purpose is. We all have obstacles and we all face them differently, but what we do have in common is that when we over of overcome those obstacles we gain so much.  So far in my life I had to face many, from grief to relationships, to time, to the decisions that I made, illness, emotions, and many more. But one of the hardest thing I had to do it was brief. I've never really been the emotional type or the sad girl, but when I brief I tend to shut down, push everyone away from me and pack with anger. I've come to find that we all deal with grief in our different ways, but I have yet to find a healthy way to deal with losing someone.

 About a year ago I lost one of my brothers, and I can't even begin to tell you how much it hurt and how numb I felt very long time. I knew this time that had to fight it. I had to fight the anger, pushing people away, not wanting to get help, and not wanting to feel pain. Grief is one of the things reminds us that we are human because we actually get to feel. Without the obstacles in our life, we wouldn't be where we are today. We wouldn't be as strong as we are right now in this current moment.  I do believe that every obstacle can be defeated, they can be overcome. Maybe not be forever but you can overcome almost anything. Obstacles are here to challenge and with every challenge there's a way of defeat.

    

Assets

I found that knowing our assets help us in conquering our fear and defeating our obstacles. A lot of fears comes from not being good enough, not being strong enough, not being smart enough. Well take a moment and think about the things that you're good at, the strength and talent that you have. Think about the things that you love about yourself, the things that you are proud of, and a lot of times those things help you conquer your fear. For me, when I am about to take on one of my fears, I think about how strong I am because of my past experiences, and about a how passionate I am.  I think about how I try to remain positive in a lot of negative moments. See the good in yourself, think of all the things that you have gained from your past experiences and use that to help you face your fears. Know that you're not alone, you have yourself, you have your experiences, you have your strength, and you have so many things that you don't know. Our fears belong to us and the only way we can defeat it is to know who we are. Try not to say I can't, or I'm not good enough but try I can, and I am. Try acceptance and Get to know yourself, get to new fear and start overcoming them.

Something about fear

Something about fear

 Makes me so unclear

Whenever it’s near

I seem to a shed a tear

It’s calling me dear

Mr. Fear, Mrs. Fear

I can see them coming

My heart is drumming

My mind is running

My body is numbing

Mr. Fear, Mrs. Fear

I’m have no control

I’m slowly losing my soul

I start to feel cold

I’m not playing this role

Mr. Fear, Mrs. Fear

Please let me go

My tears starts to flow

Mr. Fear, Mrs. Fear

Please go away

You win once again.

            

                

Present moment

This week I read an article about living in the present and I can honestly that it capture my attention. One of the things it asks was “are you living in the present?” and I got to say I have no answer to such a simple question. So this week, ask yourself the same question and try to really reflect on it. Today’s post is about present moments. Hope you enjoy it.

Future Carrer

Lately, I’ve struggling to make a decision about an actual career. As the semester comes to an end, I really have to think about the next step, and I can’t just keep take classes that are not going towards my degree. Ever I was a little girl I’ve knew that I wanted to be a nurse, and that was the plan until I started working as a counselor.

 I begin to take an interest in teaching kids, and it brings a lot of joy, but it started confusing me in so many ways. Throughout high school, I did everything that involve being a nurse, and I love each part of the medical field. It guarantees a job in the future, and I know I’m going to love it, but I love teaching as well. The thing with teaching is there’s no absolute guarantee of a job when you graduate, and it’s not a risk I’m willing to take. I know for both path, it’s not going to be easy, and failure is not an opinion. So, now how I do choose between my dream career and a career I just let in love with? Maybe I’ll just do both.

Something about letting go

How do you know when to let go? How do you know when you’re actually ready to let go?  Is there a sign that you get, or a talk you have with yourself?  At that moment do you listen to your heart or your mind? I never understood how people are so quick to walk away, like how do you walk from years of history and chemistry. When did you tell yourself that this person wasn’t worth fighting for anymore? I’ve always told myself that “we don’t give up on the people that we love”, but lately I came to the conclusion that, giving up and walking away is sometimes the best we can do for ourselves. At that moment, we don’t listen to our heart, or our mind, we listen to our soul. We have to find the pain, the tears, and then ask ourselves, is this what I deserve? Do I love myself more than that person? Is the situation slowly taking the light inside of you, is it slowly killing your happiness and if you answer yes, that’s when, that's when you should away Because no one deserve to be strip off their happiness, and their light. Love may be a lot of things, but it’s not everything.

What now?

Right, I am thinking about a way to end this week post, and nothing really come to mind no surprise there. Weeks after weeks I struggle on what I should write and picture I should include, but this it was a little different, the pictures was an easy choice, the words, on the other hand, was personal, and they came from me, not responses to question, but from me, and my thought. As I end this week post, I have a few thing to say, a few advice to give.  Number one, stop try trying to survive and start living. Number two, breathe and actually breath, and not just to survive but  to feel. Number three, be who you truly are because you are beautiful; more than you can ever know. 

When I stop, I notice

When I stop

I notice how green the trees are

How lovely the birds sing

How soft the wind blew

How beautiful nature really is

When I stop, I notice

That a smile can bring you warmth

That love is everywhere

Hugs can keep you safe

And hope keeps us going

When I stop I notice

How chaotic it really is

How corrupt we really are

We are beyond lost souls

We currently blind

When I stop, I notice

That we are no longer searching for monsters

Because we have become them

We longer fear

Because we have become the fears

When I stop I notice

 That the world is nothing but a dark paradise

Filled with nothing but beautiful beast

When I stop I notice

I see the beauty behind the beast

And beast behind the beauty

When I stop, I notice

The blinded truth

A needed Experience

The summer of my junior year my family and I packed up all our things and move about an hour away, to the town of Randolph, Massachusetts. In your head, you’re probably thinking that it’s not that, or it’s not that far but you are extremely wrong for many reasons.  If you ever grew up in the city, where you have an easy access to everything and everyone then you may understand the torture of moving to a new town where it’s the complete opposite. I use to drive to Randolph to see family or go to next town and I would always say that would never leave there it look extremely dead, it seems there was nothing there to do, whereas in the city there always something to do. The day I left Boston and move to Randolph, I thought about how I was going to transition being in the city to being in the middle of now where, this ladies and gentle was going to be a challenge.

The first couple months in Randolph wasn’t that bad, it consisted a lot of eating, sleeping, and watching TV, mostly because I didn’t know anyone, and I refused to leave my house. I was either bored or lonely, and at times both, so when school started I was filled with excitement, mainly because I was going to see friends and my best friend since I haven’t seen them all summer.  No one understood that I hated being in Randolph with a passion, I was away from everyone I knew, and everything I wanted to do, and commuting was the worst part. When school started I had to be up around 4 in the morning, leave my house around 5 o’clock and walk up a hill to catch the early bus to Ashmont, to actually make it on time to school. When school ended, I had to leave school right on time, run to the train to catch the early bus back home, to avoid traffic, and if I missed the Holbrook bus I had to wait another hour, or take a normal bus to Randolph, and walk 20 minutes home. I told myself to get moving and make the best out of it, but that became hard to do when my mother lost her job and ended up in the hospital for a week. Words couldn’t explain how I began to felt, I knew that it would have been different if we were Boston. I began to stress not only about my mother but the bills, and then sadness became, which follow by anger and lead to sickness. For the remaining time I lived in Randolph, my life consisted of pain, tears, anger, and a lot of stress.

We left Randolph the summer before my senior year, and now as I sit back and think about my time there I recognize that it was probably one of the most challenging time I went thru but also an experience I was most thankful for.  I realize how much I had grown during the year I spent in Randolph, from me stepping up and taking adult responsibilities, to me taking care of my sick mother while balancing school, and most importantly conquering one of my deepest fear; being alone.  During that year, I got the best grades in school, I spend more time with my family, I spend more time giving back, and the best part is I grew within. So, in the end it was living in Randolph was a growing experience; an experience I would do again, and a town I wish to never in again.

                                                  
                                                                    Alchemy

What is alchemy?

Maybe it's the only remedy 

That can treat me of this malady

Earth, Fire, Air, Water

Control by nature

From our creator

 Maybe it’s our savior

To drink this elixir

Maybe it will fix her

Since it’s made up of mixer

It’s more than just science

It’s a lot of people reliance

Has a little chemistry

With a dash of fantasy

Magic they said, magic

It fixes

It heal

It gives but also take

What is alchemy they ask?

  

               It's life

                                        

Teachers Of All Things

Julius Caesar once stated that “Experience is the teacher of all things” and I couldn’t agree more.  I learn at a very young age that our experiences are more than just things we undergo or encounter, but they are our own personally stories, our own collection of memories and lessons but most importantly our identity.  As we go through life, we do undergo a variety of things, while some are small others are major, and the major ones that can either make us or break us. During my 18 years on this earth, I’ve lived through many great experiences as well as dreadful experiences but today I will be sharing three experiences that change for the good as well as the bad…!

Roses from death

I was about 8 years old, almost 9 when I was told that I had to leave everything I knew and everyone I loved behind.  I can’t even begin in to tell you the sadness I felt for the years that followed, but the sadness didn’t compare to the one I felt on January 12, 2010. I remember it like it was yesterday, that pain I felt is a pain I would never forget.  It was about 4 in the afternoon, my mom, my brothers and I was sitting in the living watching TV, and talking, laughing when breaking news hit. I didn’t pay it attention because I thought it was just another one of those breaking news stories until I saw the words HAITI and EARTHQUAKE in the same line. I quickly turned around and put press as hard as I can on the volume, and all was it took was the anchor lady to say ‘Haiti has been struck with a 7.0 magnitude earthquake’ to feel every ounce of pain in less than a second. All I could think about was my family, especially my dad and my sister. So, I ran to the phone trying to call them, but I couldn’t get through, so I panic, and the worst came to mind.  The next few days filled with headaches, tears, and a million prayers. I prayed for everyone, my family, friends, their family, their friend, prayed for Haiti, and prayed the world, even strangers, and I still heard nothing.  After a week of trying, I finally got through, and my dad answered it felt like a river flow down my face.  I cried like I’ve never cried before, and I cried even harder when he told me that my sister had died, as well as some aunts, uncles, and cousins.  Words can never capture the pain that I felt. That day I lost a part of me and I didn’t even know it, I lost Haiti, I love my sister, and with experiences I learn an important lesson. Death is always around the corner, so love like it’s your last time on this earth. 

Falling into heartbreak

I remember someone saying that being in love is like being on crack, not only for the high but the effect of overdosing, I never really knew what that meant, since I’ve never been on crack but I do know what it feels like to be in love and getting your heart broken.  I was about 12 years old when I first met him, and we instantly hit it off. For as long as I can remember he play the role of my best friend and my own personally comedian, he was always the one person I could really run to with anything. Throughout the years, my feeling for him grew a little more than just friends, but I always stop myself because I was afraid to lose our friendship that mostly him.  We dated other people and at times we stop talking to each other, but that never worked out because we would always find our way back to just being friends again. So, when I was about 16 we decided to give us a tried and that was probably the best and worst decision I’ve ever mad. We dated for almost a year, and I was happy, really happy. He was everything I wanted and more, he brought out a light in me I never knew existed. I felt like I could fly as high as the birds, and touch the sky if I wanted to, I had to be realistic but   He made me better, he made want to be better, he made me good, it felt good being happy and I never knew I was falling in love with him, until it ended.  When it ended, it was as if my heart was suddenly ripped out my chest, and it was being squeezed right in front of me, I was a fish out of the water, gasping for air. I felt stranded like I had nowhere to go because he wasn’t there anymore.  Till this day, I feel like when he walk as the door, he took a piece of me with him, a piece I can never back. To I being in love isn’t always about being high but a different version of yourself and heartbreaking isn’t always overdosing but simply losing yourself.  “ With love come pain, but through the pain you gain strength”.

                                                                                             

       To new beginnings

All, I could here was “We madeeeeee itttttttt”, and I couldn’t agree more. They always said that high school was going to be either the best four years of your life or the worst, well for me it was cut right in the middle. The first two years were the best years, no stress, no complaints, just memories fill with laugh and love. I think all I did that first years was filled with laughter, I was really the happiest back then, but that change faster than a cheetah running. By junior year, I began to hate everything, and senior year was even worst. I was praying God to fast forward time so I could get out of high school and dropping out wasn’t an option. When the day came for me graduated I have so many feelings, I was happy, but I was sad, and I was nervous but I was excited, I was scared as well as thrilled, but freedom out beat everything. The thought of me not going to school every day and making my own schedule fascinated me and it was it a rollercoaster ride I was ready to start, and there’s no way of me getting off. When the moment came for my name to be called, I was sad because I realize that I was about to close this chapter in my life that had been open for four years now, it molded into who I am , it contain so many lessons, so may great and I wasn’t ready to close that. But, I knew it was time to move on to greater things, so I ran to that to a stage will a smile across my face, screaming I did it, we did it! For one last time, one last picture, one last smile, I embraced the past four years with an open heart, and I close the high school chapter and open a new one.  To new beginnings, new roller-coaster, to memories, and a new lesson.

                                                                        Empty calls

                                                                                                          

Ring- ring goes go the phone

Got to deal with this on my own

She asking about a loan

I really don’t like her tone

It makes me want to groan

Man, I want to be left alone

                             

                                                                                           Too many questions being ask

Too many people passing by

Is this guy wearing a masked?

Yo he’s really trying to fly

This is not an easy task

Man, I just want to cry

The pay isn’t even that good

I swear I’m going insane

And no one understood

Here we go again with the complaints

Yo, is it time for my break

Can you please call Blake?

 Cause I really got an ache

And I need to be awake.